


Snapshots of a Failed Romance

by kiss_me_cassie



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gay Male Character, Minor Josh/Donna, Nothing explict, Unrequited Love, mild experimental m/m
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-15 15:24:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5790658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiss_me_cassie/pseuds/kiss_me_cassie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of drabbles about Sam and his longing for Josh throughout the years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snapshots of a Failed Romance

**Author's Note:**

> A decade ago, someone wrote a full length story in drabbles and I loved the idea and wanted to emulate it.  
> (FYI, I am a snob. A drabble is 100 words. Exactly. Full Stop. No negotiating. *g*)  
> 

Sam bounds into the apartment, champagne bottle clasped tightly in his fist, and heads straight for Josh's room. He's just received notice that his internship for next summer has been accepted and he is ready to celebrate.

The bedroom door is firmly shut, but Sam boldly opens it anyhow, knowing that Josh is probably just studying inside.

He is astonished to find Josh kissing some dark haired waif on the bed.

With sinking spirits, Sam quietly closes the door before they notice him and walks out of the apartment. This is one event he will have to celebrate by himself.

*

He knocks on the door, waiting for Josh's answer before turning the knob and walking into the room.

Seated on the bed in only his boxers, Josh hands a hand rolled cigarette to the half-naked girl beside him. The room is redolent with the scent of pot.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company," Sam starts to stutter, embarrassed. He doesn't belong here.

Josh waves away his apology.

"Come join us," he invites.

The girl holds out the cigarette and Sam takes it. His first hit makes him cough and he sinks down on the bed next to them.

*

He doesn't know exactly how it happened.

One moment he's giggling – yes, giggling, like a little girl – over some innocuous comment the girl made. The next, he's kneeling by the bed, his lips around Josh's cock.

The thickness and length of Josh feels strange; he's never had another man's sex in his mouth before. But he doesn't pull away. The taste, feel, and smell: they're all oddly alluring. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sam knows that this is a life-altering event, but he ignores the   
thought.

He tells himself it only happened because of the pot.

*

It's their last day in DC.

Sam's stuff is already packed and neatly stacked next to the door, but Josh has just started to pack, his brilliant mind unable to focus on anything else besides the deals and connections made on the Hill these past few months.

"C'mon, Josh! The cab will be here in ten minutes," he calls out.

Josh dashes out of his room, hair wild, eyes crazed. "Ten minutes?" he asks, disbelieving.

"Yes," Sam confirms.

Josh swivels and heads back into the bedroom, emerging minutes later with a bulging duffel bag and a large carton of books.

*

At the curb, Josh turns to Sam and looks at him seriously, his trademark smirk gone for once. "I'm going to miss this."

"Me too," Sam says.

Josh is headed back to Connecticut, to well manicured lawns and solid brick buildings, to one final year of law school before heading back to DC permanently. Sam is just beginning his first year at Duke Law School. He's not sure where the next few years will lead.

He presses a slip of paper into Josh's hand. "In three years I'll be done with school. Call me when you find the real thing."

*

Josh doesn't call to tell him about the real thing.

Instead, he calls to remind Sam of arguments to make on the Long Island Rail Road v. Palsgraff case. The following week, he calls again to discuss the implications of a big contracts thing.

Sam becomes his eager student.

He doesn't think about why he's so eager for Josh's phone calls or why it's Josh's face he begins to see in his dreams. He ignores the voices in his head that are whispering to him, reminding him of that one night, asking questions.

The voices disappear when he meets Lisa. 

*

“I am so sorry!” Sam apologizes as he stoops to pick up the attractive blonde’s books. “I was so engrossed in this article that I wasn’t paying any attention to where I was going.”

He comes to a faltering halt when he realizes he’s babbling. The blonde doesn’t seem to mind his babbling though.

“It’s ok,” she laughs and Sam notices how light and feminine her voice is, how pretty her smile is.

“I’m Lisa Sherborne.”

Sam shakes her outstretched hand. “Sam Seaborn, second year law.”

She laughs again. “Nice to meet you Sam Seaborn, second year law.”

He smiles.

*

They’ve been dating for two years and he still can't quite figure out why she’s with him; they don't have much in common.

For his part, Sam admires her cool beauty, her sharp wit, her drive to succeed. Besides Josh, she is one of most focused people he’s ever met. He’s drawn to that quality in her.

He suspects that she just appreciates having his pretty, good-looks on her arm at all the frat parties. That he's not dumb doesn't hurt.

In the end, it doesn’t really matter. They balance each other out and that’s what he needs right now.

*

A week before graduation, they discuss the future.

Lisa is excited by the prospect of all the celebrities she’ll meet and the parties she’ll attend at her new magazine job in Boston. She’s excited by the idea of the glamorous life.

But Sam has a different future in mind. When he’s in New York at Dewey Ballantine, he’s going to stand up for the little guy, right injustices, make a mark on society.

He fails to notice how unhappy Lisa looks while he talks.

“Sam, I think we should break up.”

Oddly, he doesn’t feel sad or disappointed, only relieved.

*

His first apartment in the city is a tiny little walk-up in Chelsea. There’s a small private bedroom, a kitchen nook, and a living room for his couch and television. It's not much -- at least by Sam's standards -- but it's all he can afford. Besides, Sam likes the area.

It’s at the local bars that he starts meeting other men. And it’s here where he learns about the sexual pleasure men can give each other.

Sometimes, he’ll spend the night with someone he meets, but afterwards, he always feels guilty and ashamed. He wonders if he’ll always feel this way.

*

At the office Christmas party, Sam overhears a conversation between some inebriated co-workers.

“So what do you think about Seaborn?” one asks.

“What about him?”

”Do you think he’s one of those queers?”

”Maybe?” the second one replies. "Dunno."

“He must be! He’s prettier than most girls I know, and he *never* checks out Margie’s ass.”

”My buddy Chuck says he’s seen him leaving Gretchen's Bar with other guys,” another one interjects.

The trio walk away before they notice his presence.

Within a few weeks, Sam moves to a new apartment further uptown and starts working at Gage Whitney Pace.

*

Sam idly flips through a magazine as he waits for Candace, the leggy redhead he’s been seeing the past few months, to finished getting dressed. He’s about to set it down and go hurry her along when the byline on an article catches his eye.

Lisa Sherborne.

He scans down to the bottom of the page, looking for the author’s bio. It states that she is a freelance writer living in New York. It also includes an email address. On impulse, he jots it down. It might be nice to get in touch with her and talk about old times.

*

It's surprising how easily he reconnects with Lisa. Within weeks, they're looking for a new apartment to share together, finally finding one they can both agree on, although it's pricier than he'd prefer. But the location is great and, as Lisa constantly reminds him, it's fitting of their status.

As he helps pack up the stuff from her old apartment, he can't help but notice how many things they both own. 

"Do we really need two coffee makers?" he laughs. 

"You like dark roast. I like flavored," she explains. "It makes sense."

He shrugs and keeps on packing. She's right.

*

Josh still calls on occasion, but not to the extent that he used to. And lately, Josh has been the one in need, asking Sam's assistance in dredging up obscure legal information to help him with legislation he's working on. Sam enjoys being his go-to guy, enjoys being needed.

Late one night, after hanging up with Josh, he notices Lisa studying a picture of him and Josh taken years earlier. The expression on her face is inscrutable. 

He puts it out of his mind, until the next time Josh calls. This time, he willfully ignores what the look may mean.

*

His career is doing well – it's suspected they'll ask him to become partner soon – and her writing is getting noticed by the really big magazines. They're a golden couple.

He sits across from her in an expensive restaurant, nervously fingering the velvet box in his pocket. He's not sure she's the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with but it seems like the right thing to do. At some point, he'll have to live up to his friends' and family's expectations.

He takes her hand and asks, "Will you marry me?"

She says yes.

*  
He's beginning to hate his job. The clients are all privileged; they use their money and power to skirt doing what they know is right. He's not helping the little guy like he thought he would. 

When he tells Lisa of his concerns, she brushes them off, tells him he's experiencing a momentary crisis of faith. In another few weeks when he's partner, he'll be happy as a clam, she says as she goes back to wedding planning.

He tries to believe her, but every day it becomes harder and harder to convince himself that this is what he wants. 

*

"Where are you going?" the partners ask. He gleefully answers, "New Hampshire!" before sweeping out the door and joining Josh.

This is it, the real thing. They're going to move mountains. They're going to make the heavens sing. Nothing else can compare.

His euphoria lasts until he's in a cab on the way home. Reality begins to set in. He's just quit his job. He's committed himself to hours of grueling work in order to get a virtually unknown Governor elected President. He's following the whim of his best friend. 

This is big. This is huge.

He dreads telling Lisa.

*

"You're leaving?"

Lisa is incredulous and Sam can't blame her. Fourteen years of friendship, two years of dating, six months of living together, four months of engagement, and he's leaving it all behind for Josh's promises of the real thing.

She starts screaming, cursing him for leaving her now, months before their wedding. What will their friends think? Her family? His? What about his career? Or hers?

She begins flinging accusations at him. "It's not me you want. It never was. It's him! I always suspected, but I didn't actually know until now."

He can't deny the claims she makes.

*

Working at the White House is both everything he ever wanted and nothing he ever wanted. 

It's crazy days and even crazier nights. It's working side by side with petite Republican spitfires and any number of brilliant women who are smarter than he is. It's first enduring, and then admiring, Toby and his skill with words and ideas. It's about believing in and helping the two best men he's ever met.

And Josh. Always Josh.

It's about helping him be his best so that he can be the guy the guy counts on. About being Josh's guy however he can.

* 

Hands are shook, backs are slapped, hugs are offered. There's an air of celebration as well as one of sadness as Sam announces his intentions regarding California.

Sam doesn't know why he's risking everything yet again. Last time he lost his way and Josh had found it for him. This time, who knows? Maybe it's because he realizes there is so much more he can do elsewhere. Maybe it's because of Will Bailey's idealism.

The tiny voice in his head resurfaces. Maybe it's because each moment in the White House reminds him of how he cannot have Josh, it says. 

*

After Toby leaves, he picks up a random man at the bar. He doesn't ask his name or what he does or anything else. All he cares is that the man is available and has a passing resemblance to Josh.

In the morning, he wakes up to see flyaway brown hair on the pillow next to his. The sex was fantastic, better than anything he's ever experienced, but this man is not Josh. Sam leaves before he awakes.

As he packs a bag to temporarily head back home to DC, Sam wonders when Josh became the center of his universe.

*

He's made arrangements to stay at Josh's townhouse while he transitions to his new home in California. But Josh must have forgotten, because Sam experiences a strange sense of déjà vu as he enters the door Friday evening. He finds Josh poised above Donna on the couch, the muscles of his arms standing out as he supports his weight so as not to crush her beneath him.

Sam whimpers, something between a moan of arousal and a cry of despair. 

Embarrassed, Donna blushes. Josh rocks back on his heels, looking neither guilty nor angry, just confused.

Sam turns and flees.

*

"You must have suspected something," Josh says.

Sam doesn't meet his eyes, can't begin to tell him that he didn't, that he harbored a secret crush on Josh and willfully disregarded all the signs that a romance was brewing with Donna.

Josh is his friend, his mentor; he's not supposed to be the object of his desire. But he is.

Instead, Sam laughs off his feelings of betrayal, wishes Josh happy. He knows he says all the right things because Josh looks relieved and happy when he says goodbye and gets into the waiting cab.

Sam doesn't sleep that night.

*

Sam stares out the window as the plane heads down the runway.

There's nothing left for him in Washington. All his political hopes and aspirations, all his personal dreams, have disappeared. Despite Toby's and Leo's offers of a promotion, his career at the White House is over. He has no romantic relationship and no ties to anyone else in the city. The only thing left is a tenuous friendship with a man he wishes he could have as something more.

He's not sure what awaits him in California, but it must be better than what he's left behind in DC.


End file.
